So, OK
Saturday, December 20, 2008, 10:18 PM
*sigh*
Where do I begin my CYNICISM?
I was, rather forcefully, introduced to the, ahem, Twilight "saga" (what?) earlier this year.
All I have to say is,
What is wrong with the world?
I mean, honestly.
My friend, who has since moved and I miss dearly despite having lost half my brain cells after reading this series, told me that this was one of the Best Books Ever.
OK.
So, I was curious. A huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and, by way of spin-off's, Angel) as well as Anne Rice's celebrated novels, I was eager, I am ashamed to say, to read this book.
==
Woops.
Twilight is the story of "heroine" (pfft) Isabella "Bella" Swan. Firstly, let me say that at this point, I was already a bit skeptical. I mean, seriously, "Beautiful Swan"?
So, Bella, in what I must assume is supposed to be some incredible act of self-sacrifice, decides to move in with her father, so that her mother and her new minor-league baseball-playing husband can move around together.
Shock and horror, her father lives in a small, out-of-the-way town on the Olympic Peninsula called Forks, Washington. Bella, who, apparently, is not satisfied with her own self-sacrifice and proceeds to whine about it, see's fit to bore us with the population and weather details of the town.
OH but don't worry, the weather is IMPORTANT. ;]
Her dad, who is the Chief of Police in Forks (must be busting up some major parking tickets), is a likeable character. A typical dad. Although I have to wonder how he survived by himself all these years, as he, apparently, does not know how to cook. I seriously doubt that Forks, Washington has a McDonald's.
Bella, meanwhile, is nervous about her new school. Fine, no comment there, all kids are nervous. She receives a rickety old Chevrolet truck as a Homecoming present and this is where we meet two of the only bearable characters in the book, Jacob and Billy Black.
Jacob and his father are part of the Quileute tribe that reside on the Reservation near Forks. We are given the impression that Jacob, an apparent childhood friend of Bella's, and his father are a happy, smiling bunch, who stand out agains the cloudy setting of Forks. Of course, Jacob and his father quickly leave so that Bella can make her way to school, where the real "story" begins.
Shockingly, Bella, who was socially inept and shy at her old school back in Phoenix, Arizona, is the most popular girl in school. While Bella doesn't seem to have physically changed at all on her flight from Phoenix to Washington, we can only assume that magical fairies cast spells that made every single guy in her new high school fall in love with her.
.....
Oh, RIGHT! She was beautiful all along! DUH! It was just those superficial city folk that couldn't see it! WOW we are MEAN!
Whilst at lunch, Bella notices the impossibly beautiful Cullen family. Particularly the to-die-for (LOL get it?) handsome Edward Cullen.
I have issues with calling seventeen year old guys 'handsome'. I think it ages them.
Though for Edward, I guess that shouldn't be a problem.
I'm ranting.
Bella, who completely begins to ignore her perfectly normal new friends at this point, is stricken with despair over Edward's apparent disgust of her during biology, where they are, in that oh-so-overused-plot-device, paired together.
After Edward and his glam-fam disappear for a few days they return sporting nicer personalities and Yellow eyes. *cue eerie horror music here...wait scratch that...cue love medley's here*
After nearly dying at least, oh I don't know about 50 times, from all of which she is saved by the hey-lucky-I-was-passing-by Edward, Bella uses her incredible intellect (the internet) to try and piece together exactly what Edward is, because, even a girl without much going on upstairs, like Bella, can see that he isn't quite the normal seventeen year old guy.
After talking to Jacob (YAY rare part in which I actually enjoy the book!) and learning about some ancient mystical Quileute myth about the 'Cold Ones' and how the tribe is decended from wolves yaddiyaddayadda, Bella suddenly realises that Edward and his clan are, OMG, vampires.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN
Now, if Bella were a competent teenager with at least half a brain cell, she would completely cut off all ties with this guy who ADMITS to her that he is a vampire and incredibly dangerous. But, that's just too much to ask of our "heroine". So, she decides to put herself and all that she loves in danger.
Clever.
After telling her that he and his family are "vegetarians", that is, feeding only from, and brutally attacking, innocent wildlife *cue PETA protests*, he also decides to give her an ultra-fast piggy-back ride through the forest into a small clearing where the only sunlight in Forks can be found.
Edward steps into the clearing....and
he glitters.
O
M
G
LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOL*breath*LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOL
What. A. Sissy!
At this point I was in fits of laughter for about 15 minutes. I had to go watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in order to stop visuallising glittering vampires who had, OMG, FEELINGS!!
*sigh*
After that the story is pretty boring and monotone. Edward tells Bella that he can read minds EXCEPT FOR HERS!! That fact is never fully explained of course, leaving a big gaping PLOT HOLE threating to suck us all in.
Oh and there's also something about her blood being irrestable to him.
This is, quite obviously, Meyer's Mormon lifestyle coming into play.
The RESISTANCE of what is tempting, you see? Edward battle to resist Bella's blood serves as some kind of weird metaphor on how teenagers should resist sex and their sexual desires.
I don't know if Meyer realises this, but, by creating Edward, the "perfect man" (DOESN'T EXIST LADIES), she has provided major masturbation material for teenage girls and gay guys everywhere.
Hey, I'm not criticising THAT! I'm all for it! =D
However, I don't quite think it's what she wanted.
For about another, oh I don't know, 250 pages, all Bella and Edward do is talk about their love for each other. Edward's physical features are mentioned more times that I can count and I can save you a lot of time in reading this book by telling you to skip to about 50 pages before the end.
Everything between that is just as if Meyer lost control of her fingers and repeatedly pressed Control + V and pasted the same mushy shit that began 250 pages beforehand.
May I point out that Edward does not sleep, but he WATCHES HER SLEEP!! He's been doing it for a while now against her knowledge, and, of course, Bella finds it uber-romantic.
I would castrate him and tell him to get the hell out of my room. But of course, I have a functioning brain. Bella seems to be running on "stupid".
at about page 354 or thereabouts, the real "action" begins. During a game of vampire-style baseball, the Clan + Bella is confronted by a trio of "bad" vampires, whose eyes are red and whose intentions are less-than-honourable.
As they are about to leave, a "tracker" James (I liked him =]) catches a wiff of Bella's blood. Don't know how since Edward masterfully covered it up by telling her to let her hair down. That James must have had a real keen nose to be able to get past THAT incredibly thought out plan.
And so, the chase begins. James is able to track Bella, who apparently, is back in Phoenix in a few hours...driving (whaa?) and separated from Edward and the rest.
He tricks her into thinking that he has her mother, and that to save her she [Bella] must give herself up at her old ballet studio.
Of course Bella, who I assume, at this point, was dropped on her head repeatedly as a child, goes along, leaving the only people who can protect her behind.
After she is thrown around for a while, because James is pretty malicious I'm guessing, I am almost hoping that he kills her. THAT would get a good review from me. But, unfortunately, Eddikins shows up JUST IN TIME....sorta. Bella has already been bitten!!! OH NO!!!!!
After killing James (awww DAMN), Edward is distraught over Bella's impending transformation. He summons up the courage and, like you would do to a snake-bite, proceeds to SUCK the poison out.
At this point Bella passes out so we don't know WHAT the hell is happening from then on.
But that's OK, cos she wakes up in a hospital, with her mother and Edward by her side.
After she disses her mother, who leaves to go talk to her father or something, Edward "wakes up" and tells Bella that they shouldn't be together.
They go on for a while, where she tells him that she can't live without him and so on (boring) and then there's a happy ending with a prom and whatnot.
Aw.
Vomit.
I hate mushy love stories.
YAY a long post xD
Hereth end my ranting.
xoxo
Annie
