Everybody scream...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow
Sunday, January 11, 2009, 9:08 PM
First of all,
a mighty big HOORAY for Heath Ledger (RIP) who about one hour ago received the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture for his work in the what-is-and-what-will-always-be the masterpiece known as The Dark Knight (2008).
Now onto business...
I feel the need to write more reviews about the rest of the Twilight series.
Note to S. Meyer (author...sorta): Please locate the nearest dictionary and look up the word saga as I don't think you understand what it means. kthnks.
Yes I have, I admit shamefully, read it. I was curious.
I know, I know, curiosity killed the cat. In this case it killed my brain.
So without further ado:
*shudder*
New Moon
*sigh*
*head desk*
*face palm*
OK that's about it.
Well, OK not really.
The book starts off with Bella and Edward's oh so fabulous relationship, which is obviously SMeyer's way of telling the rest of us pathetic little teenage girls without boyfriends- "Don't you wish you had this overbearing, controlling, egotistic male in your life 24/7?"
Which makes me LOL.
It's Bella's...18th? I can't be sure I'm too confused by some dream she had where she's an old fuddy duddy grandma and Edward is still there loving her long time. How romantic, right?
So now Bella's shit scared that, because she's turning 18, she will, quite obviously, look ridiculously older than her lover- er- excuse me I meant stalker.
At this point I'm SURE that Bella's got a serious case of the Stockholm Syndrome.
So anywho,
Bella whines about her dream for about15 pages before we get to her birthday party. The one that the Cullen's are throwing her.
awww.
After they give her a super-expensive gift that would probably make Charlie (her dad) wish they had gotten her a gift card or something and also showcases the incredible amount of materialism that this book promotes, Bella, who was, in the last "book", fainting at the sight of only a little drop of blood, manages to give herself a paper cut.
Actually it sounds as if she sliced half her arm off.
So, being the vampire that he is, Jasper (not Edward, he's too perfect to have such a flaw SHAME on you for thinking it) lunges at Bella who's all "OH!"
Yeah, kay.
So after Jasper is restrained Bella is taken into the kitchen to get sewn up.
OK:
- Since they have a human eating at their house now I don't think it's SAFE to be cleaning and stitching up a wound in the middle of the kitchen.
- Also, the kitchen has more germs and bacteria than the toilet seat. WOW Carlisle is one great doctor. After, all he HAS been doing this for over 100 years.
- Whilst, as I mentioned above, Bella fainted at the mere sight of blood in the last book, here, Bella sits through having her wound cleaned and stitched with only the rare can-you-spot-it wince.
After this terrible moment where Bella is, once again, in danger of losing her life (seriously at this point I don't think it would be such a bad thing to eliminate her from this world. It wouldn't benefit the rest of us to have someone with a brain like Bella Swan's around) Eddikins decides that "OH NO! MY FAMILY IS TOO DANGEROUS!! I'M TOO DANGEROUS!"
Actually...there is a clip that I reckon pretty much sums up their relationship:
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=OgCQSIQ9UdI
Just replace: Wesley pretending to be Angel= Edward and Cordelia pretending to be Buffy= Bella.
srsly.
That's it in a nutshell.
Watch out for Wesley's line after Cordy says "Yes, Angel?" Perfect imitation of both Angel AND Edward.
Though I love Angel and despise Edward =D.
So Edward leaves and takes the clan with him to sunny L.A. Wow. Great choice.
Then to show us how long he's been gone, and how Bella is basically a walking coma patient, the next five or six pages are literally blank, besides telling us what month it is on each page.
I guess that's meant to symbolise the length of time without Edward. How devastating.
So Bella decides she wants a thrill ride and, of course, decides to get a motorbike. Since she's not Miss Money-bags, she gets some piece of shit that she takes to good buddy Jacob Black to fix up.
The story isn't too bad here as Jacob is actually an interesting character. His transformation into the werewolf sounds awesome and he turns into what I can assume is an ultra-hot 25-year-old looking 16-year old.
YAY
We meet the rest of the pack here and they're all cool and all. But really, there isn't much of an interesting story here because there is no Eddikins. Of course, Jacob is also in love with Bella although we have no idea why.
Seems all men of Forks were, at some point, dropped into a vad of toxic waste causing severe brain damage.
THEN Bella does what has to be the single most idiotic thing in the world and jumps of a cliff.
Hey, this book is looking up!
Srsly.
Of course, she does it because she's convinced she can hear Edward's voice in her head.
Unfortunately, Jacob saves her. Hmph. And to think I liked the guy!
After more meaningless drabble it seems that the shit has really hit the fan when Alice turns up (Edward's clairvoyant vamp sis) and informs Bella that Edward thinks she's dead, and has gone to Rome, of all places, to reveal himself to some kind of vampire mafia known as the Volturi, who have laws about revealing their kind to humans, which is what Eddy plans to do in order to get himself killed cos he just can't "live" without Bella.
Ew.
So Alice and Bella, (who apparently had never been out of the country before so I really don't understand how she got a passport so fast) fly to Italy to save Eddy.
They steal a car and drive to some village in Italy where Edward is about to reveal his BEAUTIFUL SPARKLING SKIN (LOL) to the world.
They stop him (DAMN) and here we meet more interesting characters that don't get much development, the Volturi.
Why is it always evil vampires that are the most interesting?
We meet little Jane who does some sort of mind whammy that's like the Cruciatus Curse (Harry Potter rip-off much?) and some other non-important people who, if they were to get development, would get in the way of Ed and Bella's fascinating relationship.
We meet the mafia-heads who are all sunshine-buttercups-and-rainbows before slaughtering a room full of innocent tourists whilst Alice and Ed do NOTHING TO HELP.
Oh and Bella is also immune to some other guys vamp powers as well as Alice's. We don't know why cos that would include SMeyer writing something worth reading and she is both physically and mentally incapable of doing so.
Duh.
They all head back to America where all is forgiven and Bella seems to have forgotten that he up and left her for a few months. She's also forgotten Jacob and the pack and what nice people they were and doesn't seem to understand why they don't want her around the leeches.
Props to the wolves for that term =D
So yeah.
OH i almost forgot.
Remember Victoria? That bad chick vamp who was James' (RIP) 'mate'.
Yeah she hates Bella.
And she's out for blood.
I like her. =]
ADIOS AMIGO'S!!
p.s. I have to start homework now so really you should feel honoured that I delayed that by like....an hour and a half. *serious face*
p.p.s. Some tween told me that Twilight had better special effects, dialogue and acting than the Dark Knight. I hit her. I don't think anyone saw.
